Before you start reading, it should be mentioned that the article below deals with my personal experiences of severe anxiety, panic disorder, death, and suicide. It is important to me to write on these subjects, but your mental health is of the utmost priority. Should this material seem too intense or overwhelming for you at the moment, please feel free to skip it.
You’re not alone if you’re going through a difficult time. If you need help, get in touch with a reliable professional or call or text 988 to speak to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
…I finally arrived at the house. I couldn’t feel my legs at this point and was running while tripping on the grass, pushing my body to its limit.
I reached the front door and pushed it open. I immediately saw one of my sisters in the living room, jumping up and down, screaming, and sobbing as she pointed across the room toward a small hallway that connected two bedrooms at my oldest sister’s home.
At the time, one of the bedrooms belonged to my 18-year-old niece, while the other was where my parents were staying. I ran down the hallway and turned left into my parents’ bedroom.
There was my mother, lying on the floor while my niece performed CPR on her. I froze; my body went numb, the room began to spin, and all I could barely make out was the voice of the 911 operator.
Time was moving slowly; I felt that I had been standing there 5 minutes when it was probably 10 seconds. After I finally regained my composure, I knelt next to my mom.
She was unconscious, I was wondering what was wrong with her and my first thought was a stroke. It reminded me of a story my mom would talk about often. Of when her own father passed away. His death had been very sudden. She had seen him only an hour before she got the call that he was being rushed to the hospital.
My grandfather had had a stroke back in 2003, and when we arrived at the hospital, he was sitting up in a small hospital bed. He had a blank stare, was not moving, not even his eyes. My mother rushed to him, and as soon as she got to him, she embraced him; he fell back on the bed, and that’s when she knew he was no longer with us. She repeatedly talked about how she was sure he heard her last words to him, that she could have sworn he had smiled when she told him how much she loved him, right before he fell back onto the bed. She was his baby.
Back to the present, November 11th, 2022, to be exact, I realized (or I thought, perhaps) that I was experiencing what my mother had gone through with her own father. All I could think about was that she was probably experiencing a similar episode, and I wanted to say my goodbyes to her should that be the case.
Amid these overwhelming thoughts, I took over the chest compressions. I wanted my mother to survive. I needed her back. I never imagined that chest compressions would be so physically demanding, but I persisted because I could not afford to stop.
I could hear the ambulance;
not much longer, I thought,
not much longer mom, they are almost here.
My mother started to regain consciousness, and we helped her sit up. She appeared disoriented, looking around but unable to speak, and she looked at us as if we were strangers. Her mouth was full of blood. Everyone started speaking to her all at once, trying to get her to respond to something. However, all I could think about was her moment with my grandfather, and just in case, I selfishly decided to say my goodbyes.
I kissed her check and told her:
Mom, I love you so much.
Do not ever doubt it or forget it.
We all love you very much.
I was holding back my tears; she raised my sisters and me to be strong for these kinds of moments.
I continued…
You are an amazing woman and mother, and I am proud of you.
I hope you can be proud of me too.
Please do not go, but if you need to, just know that we are all going to be okay.
She looked at me but remained unable to speak, her expression blank. The paramedics arrived, rushed in and began checking her vital signs, blood sugar, EKG, and other things. We gave them space to work on her and moved into the living room.
A few minutes later, they transported her out on a stretcher, and we left for the hospital. We were all in shock. We finally all gathered at the hospital, waiting for updates until we were allowed to visit her room and speak with the doctor.
The doctor explained that she had experienced a seizure from severe dehydration, causing her body to go into shock because of all the vomiting and everything else that had happened after her first radiation appointment. She was hospitalized for four days while her electrolyte levels were stabilized.
That day is when my obsessive-compulsive thoughts began. In a previous article, I mentioned how, from August 2022, my symptoms began with chest pain and tightness. Then came the headaches, migraines even, and now the obsessive thoughts. They all had to do with death.
I wonder now if they were death-specific because of this moment. It’s the only rational thing I think.
The thoughts would begin as soon as I woke up. I began the days being very vigilant as to where I would step, out of fear of tripping on something; I couldn’t walk up or down a staircase because my head would tell me I was going to fall and die. I had to chew my food properly; otherwise I imagined I would choke. If I were driving, I would imagine a car or an 18-wheeler hitting me from any direction and my car just being crushed. The thoughts were endless.
But the worst of them all were about how it had finally hit me that my parents were going to die. There were no ifs, whens, or buts; it was a done deal. I couldn’t stop it.
I decided to move in to my sister’s house to be with my mom. I had previously lived with my boyfriend in his mother’s home because we had a home under construction, and it was finally ready; we were just in the middle of the moving process. My mom was my priority, and he understood.
It didn’t help that besides everything that was going on, I was going to move in to a home with a partner, I had never lived alone or with anyone else that weren’t my parent.
Not only that, but around the same time I had signed off my biggest client for my business. I had a successful bookkeeping, tax, and insurance firm, and this client alon was going to generate over $100k per year. I had only been helping them for about two weeks before this happened with my mom.
To top it all off, I had also signed a lease to open a second retail office for my insurance and tax business and was training two employees to be at that second location. I was running out of hours to do everything I wanted to do.
The stress started piling up, and I wasn’t managing it.
And then, it happened again…
Part 3 Coming Soon
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